Spencenter

Another fresh start...

2008-08-28T11:49:00.001-04:00

Hi, you've reached spencenter.blogspot.com.

I can no longer be read at this address.

Please visit...

spencenter.com

Kobe gave me a head nod.

2008-07-21T14:02:00.001-04:00

We locked eyes, I was afraid. He nodded his head. I nodded mine.
I. have. arrived.

Paul: "We're going to the Finals now."

2008-07-21T13:57:00.002-04:00

Me: How do you feel about the Posey signing?
Chris Paul: Oh, we're going to the finals now.

No Wedding Bells for Lebron

2008-07-21T13:41:00.000-04:00

Lebron, while walking past the Wedding Salon (place where people get married) at the Wynn, "Wedding Salon? I better stay out there. Yeah, the Wedding Salon. You won't find me in there."

Coach K's Laptop

2008-07-20T13:08:00.002-04:00

I can access Coach K's laptop! That's how close I am to him (and D'Antoni and Boeheim)!

Zhang Songtao sighting!

2008-07-17T14:01:00.000-04:00

Wow! Last night, on the way to my room here at the Wynn, I had a Zhang Songtao sighting! What? You don't know him? Well, he's the 6'11" Chinese man on the Knicks Summer League team.

Interesting fact about Zhang Songtao: On NBA.com he's listed as being born on Oct 27th, 1987. On the FIBA website, he's listed as June 17th, 1985.

Is this just a mistake? Or is it possible that this is an obvious example of China making their players seem younger than they really are?

Also, Yi Jianlian's birthday is listed as Oct 27th, 1987. Umm...two Chinese players with the same birthday? Is that the default setting for Chinese players on NBA.com?

Happy Birthdays Yi and Zhang! You (maybe) share a birthday with Andrew Bynum!

My Own Personal "Ball Don't Lie"

2008-07-16T12:03:00.002-04:00

So I'm in Vegas right now working at a conference at the Wynn. Guess who else is here? 190 of your favorite basketball players! Thanks to the Vegas Summer League AND the Olympic team practicing, the Wynn is the place to be if you are an NBA fan.

I've been here one day (and been working the entire time) but in my brief foray into the hallways I did see Walt Frazier — he looks old. We made eye contact. His eyes said, "Help me, please, help me."

This morning, however, I saw Bryan Colangelo and Mike D'Antoni talking in the hallway. What could they be talking about? Kapono to the Knicks? Lee to the Raptors? All the beautiful buxoms working at the Wynn?

THIS, however, is a direct quote from Colangelo (obtained as I was walking by them as slowly as possible):

"... and sometimes I wake up in the morning and I'm like, 'am I fired yet?'

Whatever

2008-07-10T00:26:00.001-04:00

Family cleared in JonBenet Ramsey’s death

New DNA test finds no link, DA says in letter to Colorado girl’s father

MSNBC and NBC News

updated 5:19 p.m. ET, Wed., July. 9, 2008

DENVER - Prosecutors cleared JonBenet Ramsey's parents and brother Wednesday in the 1996 killing of the 6-year-old beauty queen, saying they were "deeply sorry" for putting the family under a cloud of suspicion for more than a decade.

New DNA tests, which focus on skin cells left behind from a mere touch, point to a mysterious outsider. They came too late to clear the name of JonBenet's mother, Patsy, who died of cancer in 2006.

"To the extent that we may have contributed in any way to the public perception that you might have been involved in this crime, I am deeply sorry," Boulder County District Attorney Mary Lacy wrote in a letter to the child's father, John Ramsey. "No innocent person should have to endure such an extensive trial in the court of public opinion."

Last Night's Dream About Stephon Marbury

2008-07-09T12:13:00.003-04:00

I hate hearing about other people's dreams. But here is one of mine:

I was walking around New York when my cell phone rang. Who was on the other line? Oh, Stephon Marbury, of course!

Me: Hey Stephon, what's up?

Marbury: Spence, man, we gotta talk. I know that you basically ran things down in Phoenix and you have D'Antoni's ear in New Yeark and I wanna know where I'm at, what with the signing of Duhon and everyone saying he's the starter and all."

Me: Stephon, come on, man. You know I don't know much about all that.

Marbury: You do!

Me: Okay, look, we're running a different kind of ship this time around. We think you're a tremendous talent, but we need folks in our system who play our way. We like Chris, we like you, and we think we're headed in the right direction. But we've all got to be pulling on the same rope.

******

I told my friend this dream. He said the following:

"I like that even in your subconscious life you're forced to manage the emotions of self-centered people who overestimate their own importance."

ed. note: Marbury's dialogue co-written by anonymous friend

Coming this fall to NBC

2008-07-08T11:13:00.002-04:00

Manu!

2008-07-08T08:51:00.001-04:00

BRB, OMG, LOL.

2008-07-03T13:02:00.002-04:00

Straight from the Street Cred's Mouth

2008-07-02T17:54:00.002-04:00

Me: "She told me she doesn't see a future with me."
Street Cred: "Dude, her only chance at a future is with you."

Episode 018: Street Cred Asks a Question!

2008-05-29T17:43:00.001-04:00

The one where I answer Street Cred's question about what his brother should paint for the mural for his soon-to-be-born baby.

Where I'm Staying...Right Now!

2008-05-26T09:22:00.002-04:00

Episode 017: Facebook Ain't Tellin' Me Nothin' Good

2008-05-21T09:30:00.001-04:00

The one where I talk about how lives are being destroyed by Facebook.

Are you also watching Kindergarten Cop right now?

2008-05-19T19:02:00.002-04:00

Memorable Quotes:

Low Life #1: So who are you, man?
[Kimble racks his shot-gun]
Low Life #1: Shit!
[he scrambles out of the way just before Kimble blasts the couch apart]
Detective John Kimble: I'm the party pooper.
--
Detective John Kimble: No more complaining. No more "Mr. Kimble, I have to go the bathroom". Nothing!
[shouts]
Detective John Kimble: There *is* no bathroom!
--
Tina & Rina: Our mom says our dad is a real sex machine.
--
Detective John Kimble: I have a headache.
Lowell: It might be a tumor.
Detective John Kimble: It's not a tumor!
--
Detective John Kimble: I really appreciate your honesty. You happen to know someone that is not better than me?
Dominic: I don't know that many people.
--
[John Kimble sees boy eating out of lunch boxes]
Detective John Kimble: Are these all your lunches?
[Boy shakes his head]
Detective John Kimble: You mean you eat other people's lunches?
[Boy nods]
Detective John Kimble: STOP IT!
--
[after the kids start complaining about "police school"]
Detective John Kimble: Oh, come on...
[shouts]
Detective John Kimble: Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline.
[shouts]
Detective John Kimble: Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now. You belong to me.
--
Detective John Kimble: Thank you very much. Thank you. What a greeting. What a greeting. Wow. This is like winning an Oscar -- as if I would know.

Speaking of acting, one of my movies was called "True Lies." And that's what the Democrats should have called their convention.

You know, on the way up here to the podium, a gentleman came up to me and said, "Governor, you are as good a politician as you were an actor." What a cheap shot.

Cannot believe it.

Anyway, my fellow Americans, this is an amazing moment for me. To think that a once-scrawny boy from Austria could grow up to become governor of the state of California and then stand here...

... then stand here in Madison Square Garden and speak on behalf of the president of the United States -- that is an immigrant's dream.

It is the American dream.

You know, I was born in Europe and I've traveled all over the world. And I can tell you that there is no place, no country, more compassionate, more generous, more accepting and more welcoming than the United States of America.

As long as I live, I will never forget that day 21 years ago when I raised my right hand and took the oath of citizenship. Do you know how proud I was? I was so proud that I walked around with an American flag around my shoulders all day long.

Tonight, I want to talk to you about why I'm even more proud to be an American -- why I'm proud to be a Republican -- and why I believe this country is in good hands.

When I was a boy, the Soviets occupied part of Austria.

I saw their tanks in the streets. I saw Communism with my own eyes. I remember the fear we had when we had to cross into the Soviet sector.

Growing up, we were told, "Don't look the soldiers in the eye. Just look straight ahead." It was a common belief that Soviet soldiers could take a man out of his own car and ship him back to the Soviet Union as slave labor.

Now, my family didn't have a car. But one day we were in my uncle's car. It was near dark as we came to the Soviet checkpoint. I was a little boy. I was not an action hero back then.

But I remember. I remember how scared I was that the soldiers would pull my father or my uncle out of the car and I would never see them again. My family and so many others lived in fear of the Soviet boot. Today, the world no longer fears the Soviet Union, and it is because of the United States of America.

As a kid I saw the socialist country that Austria became after the Soviets left. Now, don't misunderstand me, I love Austria, and I love the Austrian people.

But I always knew America was the place for me. In school, when the teacher would talk about America, I would daydream about coming here. I would daydream about living here. I would sit there and watch for hours American movies transfixed by my heroes like John Wayne.

Everything about America seemed so big to me, so open, so possible.

I finally arrived here in 1968. What a special day it was. I remember I arrived here with empty pockets but full of dreams, full of determination, full of desire.

The presidential campaign was in full swing. I remember watching the Nixon-Humphrey presidential race on TV. A friend of mine who spoke German and English translated for me. I heard Humphrey saying things that sounded like socialism, which I had just left.

But then I heard Nixon speak. Then I heard Nixon speak. He was talking about free enterprise, getting the government off your back, lowering the taxes and strengthening the military.

Listening to Nixon speak sounded more like a breath of fresh air.

I said to my friend, I said, "What party is he?"

My friend said, "He's a Republican."

I said, "Then I am a Republican."

And I have been a Republican ever since. And trust me -- and trust me -- in my wife's family, that's no small achievement.

But I am proud to be with the party of Abraham Lincoln, the party of Teddy Roosevelt, the party of Ronald Reagan, and the party of George W. Bush.

To my fellow immigrants listening tonight, I want you to know how welcome you are in this party. We Republicans admire your ambition. We encourage your dreams. We believe in your future.

And one thing I learned about America is that if you work hard and if you play by the rules, this country is truly open to you. You can achieve anything.

Everything I have, my career, my success, my family, I owe to America.

In this country, it doesn't make any difference where you were born. It doesn't make any difference who your parents were. It doesn't make any difference if you're like me and couldn't even speak English until you were in your 20s. America gave me opportunities, and my immigrant dreams came true.

I want other people to get the same chances I did, the same opportunities. And I believe they can. That's why I believe in this country, that's why I believe in this party, and that's why I believe in this president.

Now, many of you out there tonight are Republican like me in your hearts and in your beliefs. Maybe you're from Guatemala. Maybe you're from the Philippines. Maybe you're from Europe or the Ivory Coast. Maybe you live in Ohio, Pennsylvania or New Mexico.

And maybe -- just maybe -- you don't agree with this party on every single issue. I say to you tonight that I believe that's not only OK, but that's what's great about this country.

Here we can respectfully disagree and still be patriotic, still be American and still be good Republicans.

My fellow immigrants, my fellow Americans, how do you know if you are a Republican? Well, I tell you how. If you believe that government should be accountable to the people, not the people to the government, then you are a Republican.

If you believe a person should be treated as an individual, not as a member of an interest group, then you are a Republican.

If you believe your family knows how to spend your money better than the government does, then you are a Republican.

If you believe our educational system should be held accountable for the progress of our children, then you are a Republican.

If you believe this country, not the United Nations, is the best hope for democracy, then you are a Republican.

And, ladies and gentlemen, if you believe that we must be fierce and relentless and terminate terrorism, then you are a Republican.

Now, there's another way you can tell you're a Republican. You have faith in free enterprise, faith in the resourcefulness of the American people and faith in the U.S. economy. And to those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: Don't be economic girlie-men.

The U.S. economy remains the envy of the world. We have the highest economic growth of any of the world's major industrialized nations. Don't you remember the pessimism of 20 years ago, when the critics said Japan and Germany are overtaking the U.S.? Ridiculous.

Now, they say that India and China are overtaking us. Don't you believe it. We may hit a few bumps, but America always moves ahead. That's what Americans do.

We move prosperity ahead.

We move prosperity ahead. We move freedom ahead. And we move people ahead.

And under President Bush and Vice President Cheney, America's economy is moving ahead in spite of a recession they inherited and in spite of the attack on our homeland.

Now, the other party says that we have two Americas. Don't you believe that either. I have visited our troops in Iraq, Kuwait, Bosnia, Germany, and all over the world. I've visited our troops in California, where they train before they go overseas. I have visited our military hospitals. And I tell you this, that our men and women in uniform do not believe there are two Americas. They believe we are one America, and they are fighting for it.

We are one America, and President Bush is defending it with all his heart and soul.

That's what I admire most about the president. He's a man of perseverance. He's a man of inner strength. He is a leader who doesn't flinch, who doesn't waiver, and does not back down.

My fellow Americans, make no mistake about it: Terrorism is more insidious than Communism, because it yearns to destroy not just the individual, but the entire international order.

The president did not go into Iraq because the polls told him it was popular. As a matter of fact, the polls said just the opposite. But leadership isn't about polls.

It's about making decisions you think are right and then standing behind those decisions.

That's why America is safer with George W. Bush as president.

He knows you don't reason with terrorists. You defeat them. He knows you can't reason with people blinded by hate. You see, they hate the power of the individual. They hate the progress of women. They hate the religious freedom of others. And they hate the liberating breeze of democracy.

But, ladies and gentlemen, their hate is no match for America's decency.

We are the America that sends out the Peace Corps volunteers to teach our village children. We are the America that sends out the missionaries and doctors to raise up the poor and the sick.

We are the America that gives more than any other country to fight AIDS in Africa and the developing world.

And we are the America that fights not for imperialism, but for human rights and democracy.

You know, when the Germans brought down the Berlin Wall, America's determination helped wield the sledgehammers. And when that lone, young Chinese man stood in front of those tanks in Tiananmen Square, America stood with him. And when Nelson Mandela smiled in election victory after all those years in prison, America celebrated, too.

We are still the lamp lighting the world, especially those who struggle. No matter in what labor camp they slave, no matter in what injustice they're trapped, they hear our call. They see our light. And they feel the pull of our freedom.

They come here, as I did, because they believe -- they believe in us. They come because their hearts say to them, as mine did, "If only I can get to America." You know, someone once wrote, "There are those who say that freedom is nothing but a dream." They are right. It's the American dream.

No matter the nationality, no matter the religion, no matter the ethnic background, America brings out the best in people.

And as governor -- as governor of the great state of California, I see the best in Americans every day.

I see the best in Americans every day, our police, our firefighters, our nurses, doctors and teachers, our parents.

And what about the extraordinary men and women who have volunteered to fight for the United States of America?

I have such great respect for them and their heroic families.

Let me tell you about the sacrifice and the commitment that I have seen first-hand. In one of the military hospitals I visited, I met a young guy who was in bad shape. He'd lost a leg, he had a hole through his stomach, and his shoulder had been shot through. And the list goes on and on and on.

I could tell that there was no way he could ever return to combat. But when I asked him, "When do you think you'll get out of the hospital?" He said, "Sir, in three weeks."

And do you know what he said to me then? He said he was going to get a new leg, and then he was going to get some therapy, and then he was going to go back to Iraq and fight alongside his buddies.

And you know what he said to me then? You know what he said to me then?

He said, "Arnold, I'll be back."

Well, ladies and gentlemen, America is back -- back from the attack on our homeland, back from the attack on our economy, and back from the attack on our way of life. We're back because of the perseverance, character and leadership of the 43rd president of the United States, George W. Bush.

My fellow Americans, I want you to know that I believe with all my heart that America remains the great idea that inspires the world. It's a privilege to be born here. It's an honor to become a citizen here. It's a gift to raise your family here, to vote here, and to live here.

Our president, George W. Bush, has worked hard to protect and preserve the American dream for all of us. And that's why I say, send him back to Washington for four more years.

Dominic: I hate my life.

Live in Elk Grove!...with some Notable Residents!

2008-05-19T10:30:00.003-04:00

See below for my desire to rent an apartment in Elk Grove at the fabulous Hamilton Court!

Notable Residents

* Billy Corgan - The Smashing Pumpkins Lead Singer/Guitarist - Born in Elk Grove Village
* James Iha - The Smashing Pumpkins Guitarist - Lived in Elk Grove Village
* Jerry B. Jenkins - Co-author of the "Left Behind" series
* Bill Kelly - Screenwriter - Born and raised in Elk Grove Village, Elk Grove High School alumnus
* John Loprieno - plays Cord Roberts character on "One Life to Live"
* Dave Otto - Former Major League Baseball player and Chicago Cubs broadcast analyst, Elk Grove High School Class of 1982
* Johnny Weissmuller - Tarzan - Lived in Elk Grove Village as a child
* Les Grobstein - Sportscaster in Chicago area - Has lived in Elk Grove Village since 1991
* Steven Kazmierczak - Perpetrator of the Northern Illinois University shooting - Born in Elk Grove Village, Elk Grove High School Class of 1998
* Patricia Columbo - Sentenced to 350 years in prison for murdering her parents and younger brother in 1976.

Hamilton Court?!?!

2008-05-19T10:13:00.003-04:00

Last night, I got a call from a very nice gentleman asking me about my interest in his apartment listing in Hamilton Court. I told him he had the wrong number, he apologized, and back I went to watching Blue Harvest.

Then, this morning, I check my Spencenter voicemails (yep, people call me via the blog...you should, too!), and again the guy has left a voicemail saying that he is calling me back in response to my interest in his Hamilton Court apartment listing.

So, how did this man find me? Why did he have my name? How did he get my cell phone number? And why did he find me on my blog, then call the number listed there? He must REALLY want to rent his apartment...to me, no less!!!

Was this an elaborate prank set about by an arch-nemesis of mine? I mean, it didn't really put me out too much but does cause massive amounts of confusion in my already tumultuous life. Was that the point of the prank? If so, it was successful. Who would have done this to me, Mother? Who!?!?! (Screw you, Chad...if it was you...if not, what's up, man? Sorry about that weekend in Cleveland!)

Either way, in an effort to help out my common man, here is some info on the apartment:

Address:
1030 Charlela Lane
Elk Grove Village, IL 60007

1 bedroom/1 bath for $780 plus a $500 deposit.
2 bedroom/1 bath for $925 plus a $500 deposit.
3 bedroom/2 bath for $1250 plus a $500 deposit.

Apartment Features	Community Features
Air Conditioning Balcony/Patio Cable TV Available Wheelchair Access Dishwasher Furnished Rentals Garage Parking Pet - Friendly Short Term View Walk-in Closets	Clubhouse Emergency Maint. Storage Gated Entrance Laundry Facility Playground Public Trans. Swimming Pool

Custom Features:

Two swimming pools
Sand volleyball court
Clubhouse and sauna
Private patios / balconies
School districts 211 and 54
Decorator mini-blinds
Intercom entry system
24-hour emergency maintenance service

Pet Policy: Cats Only
Directions:
Rt. 53/I-290 to Thorndale. West on Thorndale. Turn right on Rohlwing Road; right on Nerge; left to Hamilton Court.

If interested, please call the nice gentleman (who somehow got my cell phone number AND my blog voicemail number which is only, I believe, listed on this blog!?!?!) at 847-471-2272. If he says that you have a wrong number, call him again.

Date, Relate, or Murder: Child Star Turned Adult Strumpet

2008-05-17T23:48:00.004-04:00

This just in...old Spencenter material! I'm going back to the vault and putting some old stuff from the live show on the webernet. That's great news to those of you who enjoyed the show (hey, Street Cred!) and I guess not so great news for those of you who didn't enjoy it (every single woman Street Cred or I have ever known).

Still, here's an old favorite: Date, Relate, or Murder!

Date, Relate, or Murder: Child Star Turned Adult Strumpet from Spencer Griffin on Vimeo.

This won't stop being awesome to me

2008-05-17T21:11:00.000-04:00

Employment Links

2008-05-01T19:02:00.001-04:00

My friend writes for Sports Illustrated!

If you click there, they'll think he's the best.
And, well, he sorta is. Maybe not the best. But definitely up there.

Click!

Courtesy of The Hicksburg Post

2008-04-21T16:45:00.003-04:00

2 Vicksburg men jailed in residential burglary

[04/21/08]

CRIME * From Staff Reports

Two Vicksburg men were in the Warren County Jail on burglary charges this morning.

Spencer Griffin, 18, 1929 Baldwin Ferry Road, and Billy Ray Savell, 21, 1326 Grove St., were arrested at 1:20 p.m. Saturday and charged with residential burglary of a home in the 1100 block of First North Street, Vicksburg Police Sgt. Sandra Williams said.

Three air conditioning units were reported missing from the home Thursday, Williams said.

Savell was held on $5,000 bond. No bond information was available for Griffin.

*****

I strangely feel kinda bad for Spencer Griffin. I bet Billy Ray put him up to the burglary and then lied about that fact to the cops so he could get put on bail. Don't you know the Prisoner's Dilemma, Billy Ray? You effed up, man. You really effed up. Because the Spencer Griffins of the world are going to unite and bring you down!

Unfortunately, the other Spencer Griffin is a little tied up right now and we're waiting to see if he posts bail...so...you're safe, Billy Ray...for now!

Episode 016: On This Date

2008-04-14T23:52:00.002-04:00

The one where I talk about this day, April 14th, but, like, in different years past...and different voices...present.

Coming Soon: The One Where You Listen To Me Eat a Foot Long Meatball Sub.mp3

Cat Bath Chronicles!!!

2008-04-10T09:28:00.001-04:00

Day after day, Daniel claims he gave his cat a bath the previous night, to the consternation and horror of his co-workers.

Written by Neil Campbell. Shot & Edited by Sharp-Ford. Featuring Neil Campbell, Harris Wittels, Eva Anderson, Michael Cassady, and Dave Horwitz.

The Fighting Life

2008-03-22T10:38:00.001-04:00

Are you reading The Fighting Life? It's an awesome blog about fighting...and life!

Favorite quote of the day:

"As hipster girls have shown us, looking interesting is a great substitute for being interesting."

...BURN!!!

Favorite Song Diary Entry of the Day

2008-03-20T14:22:00.002-04:00

The Song Diary is/was musician Paleo's music project where he wrote/recorded 365 songs in 365 days. I've been listening to it off and on since, oh, the first song (April 16th, 2006) and with the release of the DVD of the Song Diary, available from his website www.paleo.ws, I'm enjoying them all over again. This is a must buy for all people who like anything at all. The Song Diary is easily the most creative and ambitious project I have ever heard of.

"Sufjan Stevens is a p*ssy compared to Paleo." - Sufjan Stevens

Fishing - October 10, 2006

I've been watching The Wire

2008-03-20T13:11:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry, but I, like a lot of other white people, love The Wire. Actually, I'm not sorry. Fuck you. Anyway, I've been watching too much of it lately. How do I know that? Well, great question and I'm glad you asked it. I know because while playing Madden with my friend yesterday I said the following when he dropped a pass, "Man, you've got to catch that ball yo." And I didn't say it ironically. I just said it. Normally. As if I'm a hopper. Yes, now I use the word "hopper" and know what it means (at least in terms of The Wire). You wanna step up, shorty?

Where I Live, Part 762,537 -- No Partners, a bar in Astoria

2008-03-19T20:04:00.006-04:00

Where I Live is a series of posts about wherever I live. This entry is Part 762,537 and titled: No Partners, a bar in Astoria.

I'm not sure why but Queens doesn't quite have the reputation of its neighbors. Brooklyn is seen as "hip" and Bronx is seen as "burning" and Manhattan is seen as "the epicenter of the world and if anyone disagrees they are probably from one of those cursed 'flyover' states, which are full of people who never leave because they think they are the epicenter of the world but no, in fact, Manhattan is, so those 'flyover' peoples can suck my dicktini."

And if you're IN Queens (the Astoria part), and if you're looking for an exciting night on the town full of laughter and fun...do not go to No Partners. In fact, I would recommend never going to No Partners. If you find yourself in No Partners, you're already dead, man. Already dead.

No Partners is part dive bar, part mafia hangout. Inside, you'll find a bar, some stools, a MegaTouch, a juke box, and a pool table. To describe these things any more would be giving them more attention than they have ever received. No Partners seems to thrive on people, both patrons and employees, not giving a shit. I don't mean that in a mean way, I just mean, "eh, who cares, you know, it's fuckin' No Partners so whatever."

Remember, No Partners is a mafia hangout so this nonchalant attitude is not of the cool, laid back variety but more of the "say something and you're fucking done" variety. I know this because I saw it.

Upon finishing my game of pool and my beer (I bravely lost both the game and my beer in challenging matches of friend vs foe), I ventured toward the back of the bar where I believed a restroom to be (in this, I was correct -- small victories, friends). Opposite the men's room was an open door. I paused (stupid! stupid!) and looked in the room. Inside, were about 9 men (oh, by the way, there were about 4 people in the rest of the bar) watching another man play some sort of betting machine. They were all smoking (illegal in bars in NY) and drinking (from some other stock as the bartender had not ventured back here) and one saw me looking. He walked over and shut the door in my face.

I walked back to the bar, where my friend was watching a muted TV showcasing a basketball game, and saw two leather jacketed New York-style men come in and asked for "Uncle Richie." The exchange went as follows:

Guy: Hey, Herb, where's Uncle Ritchie?
Bartender: He's over there.
Guy: Uncle Ritchie, get the fuck out of here. Bob wants you.
Uncle Ritchie: What?
Guy: Uncle Ritchie, get the fuck out of here. Bob wants you.
Guy #2: Come on, Uncle Ritchie, time to go.

Guy #2 then grabbed Uncle Ritchie and they walked out. No one else said a word. Herb the Bartender was decidedly quiet. I was scared shitless. Who was Uncle Ritchie? Where was he going? Who were these guys? And...What about Bob?

The drinks were moderately priced, the service thin-lipped, and the 4 ball was missing from the pool table. Oh, and maybe a guy got killed. All told, No Partners is the best bar Astoria has to offer.

I'm on IMDB.com!

2008-03-12T17:29:00.003-04:00

I promise you I didn't add that to the site.

And actually it should read:

"Has acted opposite Mark J. Hansen and Kristina Sherwood in the hit musical, "Shoes: the Musical," by Spencer Griffin and Mike Brooks, based on the musical, "Shoes: the Musical," by Spencer Griffin and Mike Horn."

See? Won't Edward and James Olmos be so proud?

What I'll Name My Twins: Part 53,352

2008-03-12T15:37:00.004-04:00

When I have twins -- yes, I'm that confident -- I will name them one of the following combos:

- Griff and Biff
- Lethal Weapon and Lethal Weapon 2
- Edward and James Olmos

Episode 015: Let's Get Personal!

2008-03-09T10:58:00.001-04:00

The one where I talk about the cute, subway girl with the most amazing bag in the world, craigslist personals, and my very own personal ad...respond today!

Coming soon...
Episode 016: What Was On TV Saturday Night In My Atlanta Hotel Room

spencenter.blogspot.com

Have your people call my people!

2008-03-04T23:32:00.002-05:00

Be the first on your block to call The Spencenter Phone Line! (or...Spenline...or SpenPhone...or Spencenter Line...or The Official Spencenter Voicemail Messaging Service...)

Click on the blue "Call Me" button in the column to the right...or...call SPEN-96-17-27! (which is really just 773-696-1727)

Selected messages will then be posted on the blog OR played during a podcast! (or simply used to impress girls in bars)

Hopefully, this will help all the overflow we're getting from the comments sections on the blog posts. (the Spenserver is on the fritz with all the comments coming in and don't even get me started on the awesome Fan Fiction!)

Why haven't you heard this?

2008-03-03T23:35:00.002-05:00

If you only spend money on one thing this year -- and that includes food, rent, love -- spend it on this.

These United States finally have an album!

Have you heard the reviews?

"Best album ever." - Rolling Stone
"Best fucking album ever." - Vibe
"Holy Shit, that is one fine fucking album. Best, like, evah!" - Better Homes & Garden

I got it on amiestreet.com for only $3! It's worth AT LEAST $3.01!

Episode 014: Being Single is Right Up My Kirstie Alley

2008-03-01T14:15:00.003-05:00

Happy March Primo!

Today is the day I enjoy walking around to my little neighborhood here in New York City and sneak little March baskets onto my neighbors' stoops. I ring the door bell and then run away as fast as I can. I run so far and so fast I don't even know if my neighbors are getting these March baskets. And I hope they do, because it's just a bunch of wadded up one dollar bills. I mean, what do you get people who have everything (me) already? Neighbors are so hard to buy for. I don't mind when sentences end in prepositions of.

Please enjoy Episode 014: Being Single is Right Up My Kirstie Alley. It's the one where I talk about my recent break-up and how being single (aka ALONE) is totally awesome and how I miss my "ex" to death.

Travel Tip #2,359

2008-02-29T14:25:00.002-05:00

If you can help it, and you must find a way to help it, do not, repeat, do not sit next to a man who has recently finished an entire Italian sausage Chicago-style pizza.

Just a tip.

Apparently, I'm a schmuck

2008-02-27T14:25:00.002-05:00

I'm currently in Vegas working an event at the Wynn. It's beautiful here, absolutely exquisite. Today, as I walking from one duty to the next, I stepped outside to the patio and looked toward the pool. Sitting around the pool were 12 of the most beautiful people I have ever seen. Eight women, four men. Absolutely. Perfect. People.

Standing next to me was a maintenance guy who had the amazing job of moving some heat lamps around the patio.

Guy: "A pretty shitty day to be working, eh?"
Me: "You said it."

Me: "Why are we working today, anyway? Why aren't we hanging out with them?"
Guy: "Because we're schmucks."

Thanks, guy. Really cheerin' me up over here.

George Washington film strip I helped write!

2008-02-26T10:22:00.002-05:00

Ross Hyzer (of the soon-to-be famous rosshyzer.com) and I wrote a film strip about the father of our country! No, not Daddy Warbucks...George Washington! It's both educational and hilari-cational!

Count!

2008-02-20T10:36:00.001-05:00

I Know It's a Fucking Grid

2008-02-07T18:14:00.000-05:00

One of the hardest parts about living in New York is figuring out how to get places. I know, I know, it's a fucking grid. You're a fucking grid! Just because it's a grid doesn't mean I know what fucking subway lines to take, OK? I'm doing my best here!

Google Maps is awesome and they tell you the closest subway station but they don't tell you the line, so that doesn't really help (unless you're looking at a subway map, too, but then why look at Google Maps at all?).

Fear not, fellow persons who have ZERO direction sense whatsoever (I KNOW IT'S A FUCKING GRID!). I have found a website where you type in your address and you type in the address of your destination and it tells you how to get there, utilizing the incredible, easy-to-use subway system in New York City.

www.hopstop.com

It's not super user-friendly, but it gets the job done. And really, what else can we ask for when asking for subway directions from this place here to fro? Really. What else?

Yes We Can

2008-02-07T10:56:00.000-05:00

This is what I listen to.

2008-02-06T10:13:00.000-05:00

WQXR New York Classical Music and New York Times Radio

Choose your listening preference :
You can now listen to WQXR's webstream live through iTunes Radio.

Here's how:
Option 1: Open your iTunes player, then go to "Library," "Radio," "Classical," and scroll down to WQXR.

Option 2: Open your iTunes player, under the advanced menu select "open stream" and paste in:
http://htc-01.media.qualitytech.com/COMP005996MOD1/wqxr.pls

What do YOU listen to?

Coming later*...a Breakfast Burrito Blog

2008-02-05T11:45:00.000-05:00

*Most people say "coming soon" but, truth be told, the Breakfast Burrito Blog is coming later than sooner so I figure that it's more appropriate to say "Coming later..."

Here's a sneak peak at upcoming Breakfast Burrito Blog ranking system:

5 burritos = The Best Fucking Breakfast Burrito
4 burritos = Dude, would you try just one bite?
3 burritos = I mean, there's really no such thing as a bad breakfast burrito.
2 burritos = A bad breakfast burrito.
1 burrito = What am I doing with my life?

Ross Hyzer

2008-02-05T11:01:00.000-05:00

RossHyzer.com

Oh how the weak have fallen...

2008-02-04T21:49:00.000-05:00

So I admit that mostly I've just been posting entertaining things that OTHER people have created but...well, here's another one:

Sarah Silverman's song called, "I'm F*cking Matt Damon."

Another forward from my mom...

2008-02-04T10:54:00.000-05:00

My friend Neil is the Stupidest Man in the World

2008-01-30T20:17:00.000-05:00

http://www.ucbcomedy.com/videos/play/246

Clicking on this link allows you to:

1) watch Neil be stupid!

2) go to the cool, new UCB Comedy site. I likeys!

3) watch Neil be stupid!

Now that's funny.

2008-01-24T16:02:00.000-05:00

"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever."

-Anonymous

This guy will either never get laid...or never stop getting laid!

2008-01-24T12:21:00.000-05:00

I'm very proud of him still

2008-01-22T19:05:00.001-05:00

Doogie Howser...and some other guy

2008-01-20T18:59:00.000-05:00

I wish I had thought of this.

The Intro to Doogie Howser M.D. Ahh, nostalgia... Wait--who`s that... Who`s that other guy?

United Way + Gatorade!

2008-01-17T10:00:00.000-05:00

This is absolutely amazing (yes, more amazing than the couch)...

Go to http://drinkg2.com, then click on "Support United Way." When you do, Gatorade will donate $1 (up to $100,00) to support UWA campus and young adult programs. You DON'T have to register, you DON'T have to enter an email address, you ONLY HAVE TO CLICK A BUTTON ONCE!

What a cool thing!

More nonprofits should tap into this...this being the "internet" and "young adults who spend a lot of time on the internet freely clicking away their life and still playing AD&D over lunch breaks with Barry from Accounting, who I must say is a total jerk-off Dungeon Master. Did you know he didn't let me use my sword of divining +2 to conjure my spirit animal when I was faced against Galrog of the Lower Meridian in the Caves of Ultimate Darkness near Haldenbrook? See what I mean?"

Easy Access to Podcast!

2008-01-17T08:59:00.000-05:00

Want an email alert everytime we post a podcast?

Click here!

Best. Couch. Ever.

2008-01-17T08:33:00.000-05:00

(Special Note: My friend, who will not be named unless s/he allows me to do so, sent me this. I love my friends.)

Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch - $600

Reply to: sale-540076210@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-15, 11:46AM PST

For Sale - beautiful pink "vagina couch" that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5' 3" long, 3' 3" wide at the middle, and stands 2' 3" tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home! Call Willow at 802 579 9456 or reply to posting.

Episode 013: The Family Stallone

2008-01-12T08:54:00.000-05:00

The one where I talk about the blog vs iTunes, my holiday adventures, and a town I visited that had two tu-tu shops.

How did I forget about this?

2008-01-12T08:52:00.000-05:00

I got this months and months ago but absolutely forgot all about it. He MUST have meant discourse, right? Or, really, Bill? Really, you had to use that word?

Blossom + Belvedere = Belvessom? or Blosedere?

2008-01-04T11:29:00.000-05:00

So maybe I'm sitting in bed underneath the covers making my way through youtube. You(tube) tell me!

Thanks, Mom?

2008-01-04T11:21:00.001-05:00

My mom sent me this video in an email today with the message:

Here's a new trick for you! :)

Post 100!

2008-01-04T10:55:00.001-05:00

Post 100 marks a special occasion for us here at Spencenter. Not only do we have a new residence in sunny, celebrity-filled Queens, New York, but we also have a resolution we'd like to share -- No more inexplainable weeks/months off! We'd explain why we've been lax in posting, but then we'd have to edit the last sentence and we are just far too busy coming up with new content to do a lil' thing like that (that, in this instance, being "editing"). So here's to New Year, the New You, and the New Year Gnu!

The Little Girl Giant

2008-01-04T10:22:00.000-05:00

This is absolutely amazing.

Although, I think it would've been cooler had they forced the giant girl puppet to get really into puppets herself and make her own giant girl puppet...that took over the world! That's my new Will Smith vehicle, "I, Puppet."

My friends are cooler than yours

2007-11-18T22:38:00.000-05:00

Dave Fishel deserves more.

Strike On!

2007-11-18T15:56:00.000-05:00

This article makes me extremely happy: Laughs continue for 'SNL' and '30 Rock'.

To summarize, the writers/performers of both SNL and 30 Rock got together and performed shows at the UCB to raise money for their production staffs, who are out of work due to the writer's strike.

I'm not yet ready to give an official position on the strike (because the world is most obviously waiting for it) but think about the following:

Why should writers get residuals? Why should actors? Why not editors? The production staff gets a weekly paycheck and it doesn't matter how many times a show is aired -- one paycheck. The writers are striking for their needs and that's great. Yay unions.

I don't think, however, that they are really sticking it to the right people. Currently, they are just bringing down the little guys -- the production staff, the assistants, the catering companies. I think that's bad and wrong.

Do writers deserve more? Sure. Does everyone else, too? Yes.

Stoned Policeman Caught On Tape

2007-11-16T00:30:00.000-05:00

Special thanks to Colin T. for sending this my way.

I once made a terrible decision to eat a fun-time gingersnap during a screening of Pee Wee's Big Adventure and proceeded to think I was dying for the next 12 hours. Almost immediately, I couldn't move a single bone in my body. Later, the whole world felt like it was spinning. At one point during the movie, I looked over and thought my friend was eating a live rabbit. Easily, it was the worst I've ever felt.

Except that time that I had to pick second when my friend Kenny and I were picking our new TMNT action figures to play with and he picked the Australian kangaroo, Walkabout, leaving me with the African gorilla, Sgt. Bananas. That sucked, too.

Walkabout

Sgt. Bananas

You can see why I was so upset.

Photos "courtesy" of http://www.tmnttoys.com

Sign up!

2007-11-14T23:17:00.000-05:00

Have you heard of this thing called a "mailing list?"
According to a wizard I know, I use that to send out "emails" to my "homeys."
Will you be a "homeys" of mine?
This slang sure is "awesome."

To join, send an email to: spencenter-subscribe@googlegroups.com

From now on, I'll only send out emails via the mailing so do it!
Sign up!
(and get down...)
Sign up!
(don't frown...)
Sign up!
(no, seriously, sign up!)

Episode 012: The Time You Spend In High School is the Best Time of Your Life

2007-11-13T03:16:00.000-05:00

Where I reveal all the secrets of high school students who voluntarily took a standardized test, which I graded...for money.

Why do people hire me?

If you are thinking of hiring me, and you have found this, and you are still thinking of hiring me, then absolutely do it. I will definitely disappoint you. Guaranteed.

And if I don't disappoint you in the first three months, then your money back!

Oh, YouTube, you've done it again!!!

2007-11-12T13:12:00.000-05:00

Basketblog is back!

2007-11-08T20:06:00.001-05:00

Are you a fan of the National Basketball Association?
Even just a mild one?
Like, if nothing else was on then you wouldn't turn off the TV?
Or, you wouldn't immediately ask the bartender to change the channel?
If that's you!!!...then head on over to my other blog, The Basketblog.
It's a daily dose of the top story in the NBA -- according to yours truly, me.

Episode 011: Personal Villains, plus Ungabunga: Part One (of ???)

2007-11-07T02:51:00.000-05:00

This is a two-for-one podcast because I don't just yammer on about just ONE thing for five minutes but I yammer on about TWO thingS(!) for five minutes. That's two for the price of FREE!

Somehow I go from the president of Pakistan to getting turned down by a ten-year old (I was ten, too, sicko) to reading my friend Sarah's diary to telling a joke about guys getting stranded on an island and having to choose between "ungabunga" or "death" to my first kiss (I wasn't ten, sicko) and how it reminds me of bassett hounds.

Phew!

And all in just 5 minutes!

If you've missed one...

2007-11-01T23:12:00.000-04:00

I'm sure a lot of you are busy little bees buzzing around and have missed a podcast or two. I know this because you aren't quoting every single episode to me when we see each other on the street. You only quote 5 or 6 out of the 10. Well, don't forget that you can still listen to all 10!

How? Well, iTunes has them all. BUT, also if you look over at the box to the left just next to the play button is a "posts" button. If you click that, you'll be able to get a list of all the posts.

So there.

Episode 10: Bozo, Esq.

2007-11-01T15:19:00.000-04:00

And now back to your regularly scheduled non-NBA program!

Episode 10 (double digits!) brings you all the information you've asked for!

That's right, a behind-the-scenes look at my upcoming NBC pilot, "Bozo, Esq."

Featuring Curt B. as Bozo, Esq. himself!

Episode 009: The Basketball Challenge Part One

2007-10-30T01:00:00.000-04:00

We have for you, dear listener, a special new feature to Spencenter: the Podcast that will ONLY be interesting to people who are already interested in professional basketball -- the Basketball Challenge!

My friend Dan and I, over the course of the NBA season, will debate issues pertaining to the NBA. The winner of these debates will receive a free pizza delivered to their home.

Part One includes talk of: Rookie of the Year, NBA Champions, and MVP.
Part Two will include: lots of actually interesting stuff.

If you don't like basketball, you'll be missing out on two non-basketball related jokes (one about Sarah Silverman, the other about Dan's girlfriend (not Sarah Silverman)). But that's about it.

So...enjoy!
or...don't!

What do you think this is: Audience-center?

Lucas and Stacey!

2007-10-29T14:57:00.000-04:00

My good friends Lucas and Stacey used to play music before Spencenter started back in the good ole days of the city of Iowa City, Iowa.

Stacey posted this on youtube and probably will hate me for sharing the link.

Deal with it, Stacey. What you deem to be private, I deem to be public.

Can you blame me?

Episode 008: Bicycle, Superheroes, and Mike B!

2007-10-26T14:43:00.000-04:00

OMG! LOL! TTYL!

No! Wait...TTYNow!

Brand new episode for you, friends and foes, and good news on two fronts!

On the Western front, we're trying to keep the show short and topical. So, it's now only 5 minutes long and about a recent New York Times article regarding communal bikes. The conversation then (very naturally and in no way planned) devolves into talking about what superheroes we want to be communal. Of course. It's a very, very logical next step.

On the Eastern front, we've figured out how to have guests on the show via tele-internet-phone-lines. This episode's guest: Washington DC's Mike B!

Next episode's guest: Washington DC's Dan F!

Will the rest of the world please get in on this?

For those who crave something more

2007-10-25T13:33:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Henry Abbot of TrueHoop for pointing me (once again) to Free Darko. First off, I am incredibly excited about the idea of a Free Darko book and will unabashedly purchase it next summer.

Second off, if you don't know Free Darko, you should. Yes, it's a basketball site but I have never seen or read or anythinged like it before. It turns sport into art. Again...

It turns sport into art.

...I just spent the last several minutes trying to think of ways to convey the beauty and style that Free Darko possesses. But words, once again, fail me.

Here is an inspiring by-product of Free Darko (and the whole reason I'm writing this). A style book for the different styles of playing and a diagram for signature moves by Gilbert Arenas and Tim Duncan.

Please check it out. This is NOT about basketball it's about finding a way to communicate that is artistic, instructional, and unique.

On second thought, you probably won't go to Free Darko unless I give you a taste...here is a taste...you can read the text on the above link.
I mean, who else would describe Gilbert Arenas as part osprey, part yo-yo, part bottle rocket, part bull and part sand dollar?!?!?

I imagine a world where Free Darko takes over all sports and does this.

Episode 007: Ole Flamin' Dumbledore

2007-10-23T04:44:00.000-04:00

I love the smell of Spencenter in the morning!
Do you?
You do!
Well voodoo hoodoo jimmy crack corn and I do care!

We've got a brand new podcast for you and this one is fresh with up-to-date news like:

1. The massive fires destroying people's lives in Southern California
and
2. Dumbledore's a gay?

Also -- it's only 5 minutes!
(and 4 seconds...)

This guy likes to fold his arms

2007-10-22T18:28:00.000-04:00

McRead about McCain

2007-10-22T01:21:00.000-04:00

In response to…

At Debate, G.O.P. Race Becomes More Personal

McCain responded to Mrs. Clinton’s “recent bill to get $1 million in federal money to help build a museum to commemorate the Woodstock concert. “I am sure it was a cultural and pharmaceutical event,” Mr. McCain said, explaining that he was not there. “I was tied up at the time.” The line — an obvious reference to the fact that he was a prisoner of war at the time of Woodstock — drew a standing ovation, and even his opponents gave him a hearty round of applause.”

I’m not going to make light of McCain’s five and a half year stay at the “Hanoi Hilton.” The man was tortured so terribly that he still can’t raise his hands above his head. And it actually doesn’t bother me that he’s using it for political gain. He’s a politician. Fine.

Nevertheless, wouldn’t it be awesome if after he said that someone else had said, “Moreover, while Hillary was Woodstocking and McCain was ‘tied up,’ I was actually governing. Booyah bitches!”

Earlier in the article this happened:

"Mr. McCain also questioned whether Mr. Giuliani or Mr. Romney have the experience to be commander in chief. “I wasn’t a mayor for a short period of time,” he said. “I wasn’t a governor for a short period of time. For 20-some years, including leading the largest squadron in the United States Navy, I led. I didn’t manage for profit. I led for patriotism.”

Acceptable Uses of Time According to McCain
1. War time stuff
2. Governing for a long period of time
3. Leading for patriotism

Unacceptable Uses of Time According to McCain
1. Being part of defining event of a generation
2. Governing for a short period of time
3. Managing for profit

(Where do you think Being a Commissioner for a Fantasy Football League falls?)

A quick Wikipedia search of McCain brings up…
1. His time spent in Vietnam (a defining event to say the least)
2. Serving in the House for just 2 years.
3. Working for Anheuser-Busch.

Reread the Unacceptable Uses of Time again…hmm…

It also brings up awesome things about McCain that I totally forgot.

McCain once said, “Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno.”

That’s awesome.
Vote McCain!

NYC vs LA: Part 1

2007-10-18T15:42:00.001-04:00

Living in Los Angeles has its perks (sunshine, Mexican restaurants, Sarah Silverman offering me drugs) but due to the utter lack of public transportation and the sprawling nature of the city, you don't get a lot of face-to-face time with strangers.

This is something I would really like about living in New York (other things include, seasons, my brother, Mexican restaurants, Sarah Silverman offering me drugs). And I quote Neko Case when I say, "Oh, John the Baptist" and also, "The most tender place in my heart is for strangers." I love strangers. I love making small talk with strangers. I love meeting them, talking to them, and letting them go with no idea if I will ever see them again. This is partially because I find strangers to be incredibly pleasant when pushed to be so and incredibly grateful when you treat them with even the tiniest shred of decency.

Also, they're totally dumb.

This is my new favorite website: http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/

I'm so totally blogging about another blog

2007-10-16T15:53:00.000-04:00

This is in reference to the newest post on the Brooks Caliphate:

"Hell, let's just devote the whole week to it."

Read that first, be amazed. Then, read the following, and be very "ehhh, okay" about it. If you say, "I don't have time for that, Spencer." Then I say, "What do you have time for then? Certainly not your children!" And then you say, "Spencer, don't raise your voice to me." And I'll say, "You could've read both blogs in the time it took you to be a total asshole just then."

*****

The amazing thing to me is that when I see certain celebrities doing commercials not like this cool Wes Anderson commercial (and I mean a cool commercial that Wes Anderson makes not a cool commercial with Wes Anderson as the product...wait...I think I figured this...nope, nope...gone again) but more like this, I think, "really, Catherine Zeta-Jones? Your career is now doing T-Mobile commericials?" And I already hate her because she is 1) a bad film actress and 2) a bad commercial actress and 3) a woman.

No, I'm kidding. I don't think she's a bad commercial actress.

But after seeing her do this, I hate her all the more.

Other celebrities make commercials and I'm all, "yeah, Robert DeNiro is from Tribeca so it's cool that he does that and yeah, Tina Fey is hot/funny/wears glasses so it's cool to do hers, too." I don't know why they play those commercials back to back in my memory without a period.

So then I think, "wait, am I such a bad writer that I can't just form a coherent essay that doesn't need me to use quotes?"

The answer, of course, is, "no."

I continue, "obviously what's at work here is that if I like a famous person before the commercial than I am just going to continue liking them after the commercial because I'll find a way to justify it (Oh, Wes is just promoting his movie which doesn't get enough of a box office take in connection to it's awesomeness). And wow, who knew I could think in parenthetical thought structures. Where as if I'm lukewarm or worse in my feelings toward a celebrity then I'll just be pushed to sheer hatred. And yes, hate is a strong word and yes, I mean it."

But something to consider in all this talk of celebrities slumming it with commercials is that there are other "actors" who made careers out of commercials. For example, the Verizon guy, who I'm sure is a bagillionaire.

Also, my personal favorite, the Micro Machines guy. Here is a commercial of his where I actually owned all of the products shown. Ahh, the 80's. I remember like it was my childhood. Back when a great toy for kids was a gas can.

Spencenter Pic-Cast!

2007-10-15T02:26:00.000-04:00

It's part podcast, part video, and all awesome!
Welcome to the new Spencenter Pic-cast!
This webisode featuring...
Breaking News with Al Gore!

Are you this good at anything?

2007-10-12T17:39:00.000-04:00

This is an awesome pass from Andrea Bargnani to Chris Bosh, which I'm sure you've already seen because I'm sure you scour websites for cool NBA videos like a "normal" person, like me...right?

It's one of those things, though, where you watch it and afterwards say to no one in particular (mostly because you live alone because no one can stand to live with you and even your dog left because he was just tired...just...so tired...of being...tired), "Wow. I wish I was that good at anything. Anything! Even if it was something like plumbing. If it were plumbing, then, like this guy, I would be the greatest 19 year old Italian plumber to have ever plumbed!"

In Italy, they call Andrea Bargnani "Il Mago." That either stands for "The Magician" or "He's So Good At Basketball He Can Sleep With My Wife." My Italian isn't what it used to be. But you should see me plumb!

Episode 006: Allow Us To Be The Alice in Wonderland To Your Through The Looking Glass

2007-10-10T02:54:00.000-04:00

Dear Diarjournaly,

Today was a great day! We made a new podcast -- our sixth one! We talk about how Donita "borrowed" Lucas's car and how Danny Bonaduce is more important than Iraq. Oh yeah, we also got paid a visit by the Ghost of Spencer's Future Ex-Girlfriend. Oh man, she says some creeeepppyyy stuff. And we even found a way to record the new trailer for what looks to be a super neato movie, "Civil Love: A Succession of the Heart." Also, maybe I was wrong before -- rainbows are cooler than unicorns.

Have a great day Diarjournaly! I'm be writing you soon! (unless you write me first!)
(Ha Ha!)
(J/K!)
(but only because you can't write)
(because you're not real!)
(Ha Ha!)
(J/K!)
(kind of...I wish I had friends)
:(

,Spencenter!

Sungl"ass"es

2007-10-08T21:26:00.000-04:00

Places you are allowed to put your sunglasses when you're not wearing them:
1. Front shirt pocket
2. Coller of V-neck shirt you're wearing
3. Purse or bag
4. Cup holder of car

Places you are not allowed to put your sunglasses when you're not wearing them:
1. Top of your head
2. Back of your neck
3. Attached to a string around your neck
4. The sun's face
5. A dog's face
6. A dog's ass

AP Stephen Jackson

2007-10-04T12:48:00.000-04:00

The following article, from ESPN.com, is a lesson in both journalism and psychology. Not only does the article start with the worst lead since my 7th grade speech in Mr. Kimpston's English class about Apollo 11 (which began, "Webster's dictionary defines heroism as...") but it ends with a quote that bares open Stephen Jackson's soul. Here is the article:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=3048676

Despite suspension, Jackson to lead Golden State as captain

ESPN.com news services

Webster's Dictionary defines a captain as "a person of importance or influence in a field."
Stephen Jackson's past might not have put him in that category, but his future certainly will.

The Golden State Warriors named Jackson as one of its three team captains, along with Baron Davis and Matt Barnes.
"We have great confidence in him as a player and a leader, and I think you'd hear that from most people who have spent time to really get to know Jack," Warriors coach Don Nelson said.
Jackson will start the season with a seven-game suspension from NBA commissioner David Stern. Jackson pleaded guilty in June to a felony count of criminal recklessness stemming from an incident in which he fired a gun outside an Indianapolis strip club during training camp in October 2006. He was also sentenced to 100 hours of community service and fined $5,000.
Jackson, who has been known to argue with officials and was ejected from two playoff games last season, has a past that includes being part of the infamous brawl at the Palace at Auburn Hills in November 2004. Jackson was suspended 30 games for his involvement. After a playoff game last season where Jackson vociferously complained openly about the referees, the newly appointed captain drew a fine from Nelson. But Nelson said he respects Jackson for his passion and energy.

Jackson, who is sporting a new tattoo, says the ink references his past while looking to his future. The image shows two praying hands in front of a church window holding a gun. "I pray I never have to use it again," he explained to reporters.

Have you seen his tattoo? I'll post it below but first think about exactly what Action Jackson is saying here. He prays he never HAS to use it again. Thereby implying that when he was out late, outside at a strip club, in Indianapolis, he HAD to use a gun to mediate conflict. Just had to! Ladies and gentlemen, that's our new team captain! Anyone else think that the Warriors are going to implode this season over chemistry issues?

I suppose he could be saying that he prays he never has to pray again...

Don't Stop, Not Even When You Get Enough!

2007-10-03T16:40:00.000-04:00

There are now FIVE places to find the podcast:

1. Here.
2. There! (...search "Spencenter")
3. Way over there!!
4. A little bit closer...
5. Not too close! (...search "Spencer Griffin")

For some people that's five too many...but I'm sure you're not one of them.
...
...
This is where you say you love me and don't ever want to be with anyone else...
...
Go ahead...
...
What? I can't hear with that gag I put in your mouth...
...
...
...
Thank you. I feel the same way.

Episode 00cinco! The One About Babysitting

2007-10-03T15:50:00.000-04:00

Because you demanded it (you did demand it, right?), we're back with a brand new podcast!

In this podcast, we conquer last weekend's Healthcare Reform concert, Lucas's date with new "girl"friend, Donita, a new What's Hot at the Water Cooler regarding presidential hopefuls preferred method of talkin to their wives (and no, we're not forgetting Lady Bill) during public appearances, a little expose on Spencer's Babysitting Service, and best of all... the return of joke-master, Christopher Walken!

Wow! All that? You're so demanding!

...also I have no idea what the following cartoon/joke? means. Do you?

The Brooks Caliphate

2007-10-01T17:43:00.000-04:00

Stop!... No, really... Okay! Go here!

The Brooks Caliphate
(you can also find this on our links page!)

It's a blog by Dan Brooks and it defeats all other blogs in a bloody fashion reserved for only those who deserve it (the deserving, in this case would be all blogs getting bludgeoned by blog o' brooks, dan) . I read it daily and in doing so it makes me feel smarter, funnier, and better looking. The best example I can think of to describe the blog -- it's like the Daily Show pumping up its Air Jordans and then dunking on your insecurities while making love to your mom at the same time. And then you cheering for it to do it again -- that's how awesome it was (and is!).

Today's post re: divorce is especially excellent.

Episode 004: Dynamic Duo

2007-09-26T02:01:00.000-04:00

It's a brand new show! No, really! We mean it! Not only is the content new but guess what else we have to offer:

NEW...umm...content!
(presidential hopefuls, getting a good night sleep, boob tube ponderings...)
NEW theme song!
(in the city of angels/there once lived a prince...)
NEW co-host!
(Lucas Salazar!)
NEW (umm...old) friendships (re)formed!
(with Lucas Salazar!)
NEW email address!
(spencenter@gmail.com)
NEW myspace page!
(umm...coming soon...)
NEW...NEWS!
(see above)

Episode 003: Untitled

2007-09-19T02:51:00.000-04:00

Back with another enlightening episode (our third), we bring you:

1. I'm a vegetarian now!
2. What's Hot at the Water Cooler -- OJ!
3. Do's and Don't Do's of...Blogging!
4. Listener email -- What are America's Youths thinking?
5. New Segment! "How I Like..." this edition: How I Like...my coffee.

Listen hard, listen long, listen for life.

Vote the Rock

2007-09-10T12:51:00.001-04:00

(written in the style of THESE UNITED STATES)

Hear ye, here Me! Let it be Known throughout the Land that our (and soon to be YOUr) Friends, THESE UNITED STATES, are Up for LoW DoWn (dirty?) TaKe DoWn BiG Monie$ (and the necessary fame to go with that fortune and game)!

So don't just Rock the Vote but VOTE THE ROCK and make a Difference and BE somebody and Put a Tie on and HAVE AT THEE, SNARKY! and push THESE US off the plank and into the flowing waters of celebrity (where they Will Surely thrash about in total ROCK!)!

(written in the style of SPENCENTER)

I promise that if they win, they will come to your house and rock your heart off, and then cook it in front of you, and serve it to your loved ones. With cheese.

(written in the style of LUTHER VANDROSS)

Oooo baby baby baby yeah baby ooo baby come on now vote baby ooo baby vote uhhh unngghh uuuunnngggghhhhh vote baby these uhh baby come on now these united baby these united baby come on now baby baby these united states ughhhhh ughhhhh baby oooo vote.

Episode 002: The Sophomore Slump

2007-09-06T13:34:00.001-04:00

Inside Episode 002: The Sophomore Slump
15 Full Minutes of Funcenter!

1. What's Hot!...at the Water Cooler -- a little bit of news worthy for your water cooler chit-chat.
2. The Do's and Don't Do's of Finding a Job -- in case you don't have a water cooler, but want one.
3. Listener Emails -- How To Halt the Dreaded Sophomore Slump.
4. Question of the Podcast -- ... I'm not going to give everything away!

Breaking News: Spencer Griffin's Spencenter: the Podcast!

2007-08-30T12:12:00.000-04:00

Last night, I decided to do something...("dear god, anything")...and so...I started a podcast. It basically reveals lots of deep and dark secrets about all of your friends and loved ones! You should absolutely listen to it to find out more!

Here's how to listen to it with iTunes:
1. open iTunes
2. click on Advanced
2.5. click on "subscribe to podcast"
3. copy the following and paste it into the box: http://www.gcast.com/u/spencenter/main.xml
4. refresh your downloads
5. listen!
6. enjoy!!
7. repeat as necessary!!!

Or... just come to the blog: http://spencenter.blogspot.com and click play on the left hand side of the screen.

The first episode concentrates on: Ingrid Bergman's birthday, Brian William's domination, and my 3 favorite memories (updated 8/29!)

LAST SHOW UPDATE!

2007-07-05T01:15:00.000-04:00

I believe that the 5th of July is a forgotten son in our country. What, like the 5th of July is super dependent on us for something? No, it, too, is quite the independent little fellow! In fact, this 5th of July is so independent that it's throwing a party to show everyone that it doesn't need everyone. So please please show up because otherwise the 5th of July will cry and talk about how lonely he is and about he just wants, no, needs things to work and god, it just doesn't feel like it should be this way.

SPENCENTER's LAST SHOW EVER
abruptly at 8pm
Yacht Club $5

Good news -- we're doing a drink-in theatre and showing all of our old videos. You'll drink till you laugh.

FINAL Iowa City SPENCENTER!

2007-07-01T19:45:00.000-04:00

Dearest Friends and Foes,

I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that your girlfriend "needs to talk." The good news is that she wants to talk "at Spencenter on July 5th at 8pm at the Yacht Club." Don't worry. I'm sure everything is going to be fine. Her and I talked all about it till almost 4am last night over wine and an intense game of Twister.

Anyway, this is your LAST CHANCE to see Spencenter EVER AGAIN (shut up, I know we said that last summer, too). Street Cred and I are takin our show on the road...to different towns. He's going to find fame and fortune in Northern California and I'm going to find a wife who is famous and fortunate in Southern California.

So before we go...come to the Yacht Club at 8pm for the FINAL SPENCENTER.

Show starts abruptly at 8pm.

Also, we're sharing the stage with the incredible BM7!

SPENCENTER is part talk show, part awesome. It's a live comedy show where being famous comes second to being infamous. Hailed as being the Greatest Show on Earth (patent pending) we guarantee you'll drink until you laugh. "Spencenter is the only thing keeping me alive." - Britney Spears. www.myspace.com/spencenter

$2 Domestics + $2 Wells = 2morrow!

2007-06-20T21:27:00.001-04:00

That's right, folks! Tomorrow night at the Yacht Club you get domestic beers and well drinks for only $2.

Plus, you get to see Nathan James, Tim Busse, the Sullivan Gang, School of Flyentology, and Spencenter!

It's a deal that sounds too good to be true.

And it is.

The catch is that in order to get the domestic beers or well drinks for $2 you have to use a $2 bill. Don't worry, I have a bunch of them. I'll sell you one for $3.

T-Minus 1 Week!

2007-06-14T10:04:00.001-04:00

I know how busy you are. I do! So, I've taken the luxury of making up your schedule for the upcoming week. If you have any problems, feel free to contact me.

Thursday, June 14th: work
Friday, June 15th: work
Saturday, June 16th: picnic in park with in-laws
Sunday, June 17th: fight with wife about previous day's picnic discussion involved "having kids" where you said you'd rather "die" then have "kids" with "her" while pointing to your wife
Monday, June 18th: work/visit divorce lawyer
Tuesday, June 19th: work/dance party!
Wednesday, June 20th: work/ finalize divorce
Thursday, June 21st: quit your job, eat some stove top, come to SPENCENTER, meet love of your life, drive to Vegas, get hitched, instantly regret it.

If you come to Spencenter, it will be the best mistake you've ever made!!!

Just Do It! Play Hard! Go Team!

Spencenter 17! June 21st @ Yacht Club!

2007-05-30T23:38:00.000-04:00

Due to it being Spencenter’s 17th show, SEVENTEEN magazine requested an interview. At the time of the request, we were far too drunk to deny.

17: First of all, thank you so much for meeting with us. Our readers are big fans!

Spencenter: And we are big fans of your readers!

17: Really? Like, wow! That’s, like, so hot. So, first question, um, do you, tee hee, have girlfriends?

Spencenter: If we had girlfriends for every time we got asked that question, we’d be full-fledged Mormons!

17: ...

Spencenter: Because Mormons believe in polygonal marriages.

17: …

Spencenter: Which means that instead of having a marriage like a circle, which is just one continuous line, we’d have a marriage with lots of different sides to it…in the form of female partners.

17: …

Spencenter: No, we don’t have girlfriends.

17: Okay! Wow! Great! That’s, like, totally amazing considering how, like, awesome you are! Okay, great, thanks for the interview!

Spencenter: …

17: Oh…did you want me to ask you more questions?

Spencenter: …

17: Because I, like, can!

Spencenter: …

17: When’s the next show?

Spencenter: Oh! The next show! It’s THURSDAY, JUNE 21st at 8 PM!

17: Where?

Spencenter: The YACHT CLUB!

17: How much is admission?

Spencenter: $5 gets you in the door.

17: And drink specials?

Spencenter: $2 gets you domestics, wells, and red headed sluts.

17: Any sort of catch phrase you want to float out there?

Spencenter: Come for the drink specials, stay for the live music, endure the “comedy,” and outlast the post-show dance extravaganza!

*printed with permission from Seventeen magazine

Mayday! Mayday! We're going down!

2007-05-01T12:13:00.000-04:00

It's May Day!

You must've forgotten because no one has rung my doorbell yet today (if you know what I mean...).

Also, I just checked my front door in case I missed the doorbell ring (if you know what I mean...) and I actually didn't have a cute little basket sitting out there filled with teddy bears, peeps, and ribbons. Also not sitting out there was a cute note that says something along the lines of: "You make me Spring into friendship!"

So...yeah...we'll talk about this later...if you know when I mean...when you come to:

SPENCENTER
Saturday, May 5th
5 - 8pm
$5 @ the Mill

with CELEBRITY guests:
Tim Busse, Andy Climactic,
Emmett Sheehan & Royce Kensinger,
Arlen Lawson, the Western Front,
and Dan Maloney of the Deathships!
...
and, of course,
the man in my life,
NASTY NATE!
(it's his last show so come out and support him like he's his own terminal disease 5K run/walk...if you know what I mean...)

Cinco de Spencenter!

2007-04-24T10:59:00.000-04:00

Cinco de Mayo marks the last showing of the man, the myth, the monstrosity commonly referred to as Nasty Nate Kinsey. Be there as we let him go his own way into this world.

Be sure to bring your own copy of "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" for Nasty Nate to sign!

with CELEBRITY guests:
Tim Busse, Andy Climactic,
Emmett Sheehan & Royce Kensinger,
Arlen Lawson, the Western Front,
and Dan Maloney of the Deathships!

Next Show: Cinco de Mayocenter!

2007-04-21T04:55:00.000-04:00

Lasses and ladies,

Tip o' the mornin' to ya! Spencer here reporting very early in the morning. Yep, it's 3:44am where I'm at (time and location subject to change) and the sun is looking like it actually won't come out to play this day.

Why am I up at 3:44am, you ask? Well, I got this new part-time job. Obviously Spencenter pays all the bills but it's almost summer and I wanted to spring for a second hot tub -- to go in the front hallway along with my pet giraffe, Waldo. I'm sure you all saw the job in the want ads. It's been a pretty high profile search. But good news, yours truly nabbed it. So I'd like to introduce myself as the always affable Cock Claus*. Yep, I'm the guy that goes all around the world waking up all the roosters. What? You think they wake themselves up? Classic chicken or the egg problem, buddy. Sure, the rooster wakes people up...but who wakes up the rooster? Who, praytell??? ME! I do! It's a thankless job, but it also has very few perks.

We've got a big show coming up the first weekend in May. I hope to see you there. Otherwise, maybe a cock won't wake you up the next morning...or maybe one will...

SPENCENTER
@ the Mill
from 5-8pm
Saturday, May 5th

Special Guests: TBD**

*do you or anyone you know want a cock to wake you up in the morning? If so, just reply back to this email with "rock me, cock me" in the subject line and the time and place you want to be cock rocked in the body of the email. Within the hour, a licensed cock expert will call you back to confirm your cocking time, date, and location. Feel free to find out more about cock clausing on our website http://www.so-you-wanna-get-cocked-rocked-by-the-cock-clause.co.uk. Great for birthdays and anniversaries!

**do you want to be a guest on Spencenter? Do you have something (anything!) interesting that you can do in front of a paying audience (and by paying, we mean drunk)? We love musicians, comedians, poets, competitive eaters, etc. Horse wrangles need not apply -- the position has been filled.

SPENCENTER is part talk show, part awesome. It's a live comedy show where being famous comes second to being infamous. Hailed as being the Greatest Show on Earth (patent pending) we guarantee you'll drink until you laugh. "Spencenter is the only thing keeping me alive." - Britney Spears. www.myspace.com/spencenter